Technology has come a long way since the days I was a teenager. I've made a handful of good friends that I would never have met otherwise. It's quite amazing. Thanks to social networking, I noticed in the past few years that it doesn't seem to matter what part of the country you're from. Chances are you hate having to go to Wal-Mart. I had a few bucks today, so off to Wally World I went. Everything went as it usually does. What I want to share is how I noticed how much my outlook has changed in the past few months. Now sit back my friend and come along on a trip to retail paradise.......
It must be a good day considering I survived the parking lot and found a space that didn't feel miles away. Honestly, it doesn't matter how close we park anymore. I still have to stop and sit on the bench for a few minutes just to catch my breath. I despise having to take a break so soon, but it does have its perks. There are some damn hot women walking in the store today! And we all know that higher temperatures equal less clothing. It doesn't take too long to catch my breath. Besides, I'm just heading to the salon right inside the door. I'm in the process of letting my hair grow longer for the first time in years. It's been about nine months since I last got a haircut. It needs a little trimming and shaping. I don't want to be in mullet mode any more.
The gal who cut my hair is a total sweetie. I knew her from Myspace back in the day when it wasn't an online ghost town. I looked in the mirror and loved it. I feel really good right now! I pay the fine lady, and head off to the bench at the pharmacy. This is where I chill for a second, get an idea of what I need, and plan how to go about getting it. I have a little more than thirty bucks, so no Xbox game or book today. I walk over to get Axe deodorant and mousse for my sexy new hairdo. I decide to sit back down on the bench because my next move is to go to the grocery section on the other end of the store. This is when the inevitable happens.
The kid couldn't be any older than four or five. She's walking along side a shopping cart being pushed by a nice looking woman my age. The little girl gives me a horrified look and announces very loudly, "Mommy! That guy is really fat!" This is about the hundredth kid to declare a presence of fatness to their instantly awkward looking parents. I was able to shoot the woman a quick "Yeah it's me. the fat bastard here to amuse you" look before she quickly shushed the brat and walked away. That shit really pisses me off. I understand children are innocent. Still sucks though. But I decide to let it go today. After all, I still have my amazing head of hair going for me.
I walk over to the grocery side and buy a few things that the dietitian recommended; peanut butter, crackers, Cheerios, bananas, celery, apples, pistachios (instead of greasy peanuts), popcorn, and some yogurt. I'd get a few more things, but I don't have much money to work with. Besides, sweat is pouring off of my face. I'm starting to lose my breath again. My legs ache; time to sit down again. They took the bench away from the back of the store, so I have to go to the shoe section to sit down. I take my glasses off and use my shirt to wipe the sweat away. My glasses also have sweat all over them, so I wipe them off as well. I catch my breath and suddenly realize that from the small amount of walking and dieting I've done in the past couple months, my recovery time is much better. I smile and think what the hell, I'm going to walk back across the store and circle back to the pharmacy. I have to do more walking if I want to build my stamina back up.
After the walk, I plop down on the pharmacy bench gasping for air. My once sexy hair, face, and the top of my shirt are all soaked. God I hate myself for letting this go too long! I should just be fucking dead. I get a strong craving for a cigarette. Five minutes go by, and I'm at least presentable. Who really cares at this point anyway? The most desperate woman on the planet would rather go nun than have a shag with this drenched, walking mountain of a man. I tell myself to calm down. It's almost over. A couple minutes later I'm about to head to the register. That's when I saw the group of teenagers in the corner of my eye.
The giggling is what initially caught my attention. I look over at them without making it too obvious. One of the bastards has his phone out and is obviously not trying to be discreet about snapping a pic of the comedy gold in front of him. Fantastic, I am once again the joke used for someone's Twitter/Facebook/Text message. This doesn't happen as often as the annoying kids, but why now? They get done doing what they are doing. That's when I gave the kid with the phone a nasty look. I muttered the words "Fuck you asshole" loud enough that only myself and his friends heard it. They all looked down, and walked away quickly. I take a long sigh and think I've got to get the hell out of here now.
The lines for the registers aren't so bad today. Nothing kills my legs more than just standing. There's only one person in front of me, so it shouldn't be too bad. Yay. The cashier is a sweetheart. We talked for a couple minutes about nursing. The woman in line in front of me worked with me at the hospital, and she overheard our conversation. I pay for my things, take my bags, and give the girl a nice smile. She smiled back and gave me a quick wink. Nice! It seems like every time I shave my beard off and get a haircut, this happens to me more often. Feeling much better, I head to the benches where the carts are. I sit for a while to prepare for the walk back to the car.
One of my faults/blessings in life is the ability to go into deep thought just about any time. I've come up with tons of good ideas in the strangest places, but I also tend to get distracted easily during important situations. Adderall is helping with that. Today I allow myself to drift a little bit on the bench. I keep thinking about how great it feels to actually notice progress. Physically I have a long way to go. But wanting to walk more and being able to recover quicker is nice. What really got my attention though was how I'm handling the day mentally. Friends, the things I talked about today don't happen every single time I'm out in public. But they do happen often. Any time in the past few years prior to march of this year I would have focused purely on the negative aspects. It got to the point where I hated kids with a passion. I just recently started feeling comfortable in front of my best friend's kids. The camera phone incidents are a love/hate thing with me. On one end I can't stand the sneaky giggling dickheads. Then there is also a part of me that loves to make people laugh. And if that's what it takes sometimes to get a laugh, then so be it. Just don't expect me to be nice to you.
The main thing about all this is how I'm handling the way I've treated myself for years. A day like today would have ruined me for a little bit. I would have walked out the door pissed off with every intention of walking into the apartment, heading straight for my room and eating every single thing left in the house including the new purchased food. Afterwards I would feel so horrible about what happened and what I've done. I would go to bed early, and make plans to not do anything for a couple weeks.
Today though I start to think that for so long I played a victim of the human race. The more I think about things, I've only been hurting myself by allowing others to hurt me. Not only do I need to learn how to forgive and forget; I also have to quit being negative towards myself. I used to tell myself all the time that I'm better off dead. I totally despised myself for getting in the rut I was in. The only person I can blame for allowing that to happen is me. I smile wide and feel confident that I'm starting to think more positive about life.
Quickly I look around to see if anyone is in the area. I let out a nice long relief of gas. Silently I curse my colon for its awful timing. Where were you when that kid was spouting her mouth?!? I would love to have farted right in front of her and her mother. This makes me laugh, and I get up to start walking to the car.
Edited by Dave Warren
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Wednesday, April 27, 2011
Advice From The Dietitian
Yesterday I had my first meeting with the dietitian. Everything went well. Although the hour long session wasn't interesting enough to justify writing a long post, I'll give you the short and sweet version. I was told that my current eating habits suck. She offered me advice about better food choices, and gave me some reading material. The End. Seriously though, she is a nice woman who helped me greatly. The best advice I received was to purchase a book called The Calorie King. I took a quick look, and it seems like a helpful tool. Here's the Amazon link if you wish to take a gander yourself:
The Calorie King
The Calorie King
Meeting The Surgeon
Once I had my health care provider established, my very first step was to attend a monthly presentation held by the area’s bariatric surgeon. He requires new patients to do this first for a couple different reasons. One, many people don’t know exactly what they are getting into when they pursue the surgery. This allows him to explain exactly what he does and what to expect from him as well as what he expects from you. And two, once you make the decision to go through with the process, he explains every step you’re required to take in order for insurance to cover the surgery. Just the fact that he does this already makes me feel comfortable that he’s the one going to operate. I had this meeting last wednesday. Here’s how things went….
It’s a beautiful day in central Pennsylvania. The sun is shining. It’s windy, but the temperature is perfect. Not too hot. Not too cold. My mind is working overtime. The reality of something I have been dreaming of getting has finally hit me. Today is the first step to a process that could change my life in amazing ways. I’m filled with excitement. But I’m also extremely nervous. The daydreams of the women, walking, bike riding, trip taking, and normal living are all comforting. But the truth is I have a bizarre love/hate relationship with food. Once I go under the knife, that is it buddy. No more late night pizzas, bags of candy, cans of peanuts, bags of potato chips, pecan pie, etc etc. My enjoyment of food will never be the same. It’s quite a bit to process, but that’s why baby steps are taken to get where I’m needed to be.
Dad senses the battle taking place in my brain, and is quiet for the whole ten minute ride to the hospital. Normally he is oblivious to things like that. I thank God today is a rare exception. I’m slightly disappointed I didn’t get to see one of the local crazies though. With the finest this town has to offer, most of the time you at least see one person talking to themselves or something else out of the ordinary when you drive through that part of town. Oh well. Mick Jagger taught me that you can’t always get what you want.
Here we are at the hospital! I’m fairly early, so I decide to chill in the lobby for a few minutes. The truth is I specifically went early to do just this. The hospital brings up many memories every time I’m here. My ex-fiancee’s battle with leukemia. Clinicals for nursing school. Most recently, my father’s triple bypass heart surgery. With my mind already racing like a coke addict, I just wanted a good ten minutes or so to let everything process, and get my mind focused on the task at hand. About fifteen minutes roll by, and I decide it’s time to head up to the meeting room.
From the walk to the elevator, waiting for the elevator, and walk to the meeting room, I am out of breath. God I hate this! I take a few moments outside the door to catch my breath. I also built up a pretty good sweat, so I use my shirt to wipe it off my forehead. I quickly run my fingers through my mop-top. It’s go time folks! There are some real nice people here. Most of the others are older women. There is one other guy who is roughly ten years older than I am. I am the youngest AND fattest person attending this meeting. Awesome. I look at the old style TV and DVD player that are standing in the front of the room. I think to myself how incredibly funny it would be if the doctor used this to show 2 girls 1 cup to the audience instead of his presentation. I laugh out loud. I got a strange look from the woman next to me, and she asked me what was funny. I said, “Ah nothing. Just a little nervous I guess.” She smiles, and that’s when the doctor walks into the room.
I have to do a triple take. I heard that he is a younger surgeon, but I was still shocked to see it in person. At first I think he’s an intern here to assist the doctor, but the name on his overcoat says otherwise. This man is also incredibly good looking. I could hear the lady next to me gasp. I thought about asking her if something was wrong, but I let it go. The thing that stood out the most was how much he looked like Doogie Howser. It’s like the kid’s face stayed the same, but he grew up to be taller. He says hello to everyone, turns his laptop on, and immediately gets down to business.
—————————————————————
“Nurse, I’m about to finish sewing this patient up. Would you please make sure the latest issue of MAD magazine is on my desk in 15 minutes? I’m having a sleepover tonight with my BFF, and I could use a few jokes that will kill.”
—————————————————————-
I already knew most everything that he explained simply from the amount of research I’ve done prior to the meeting. What I need to make sure of though is if I feel this man is the right choice for my surgery. He wraps up the presentation in about 55 minutes, and allows us to ask him questions. I have an intense feeling of relief. This man is everything I’ve been hearing. He’s a very successful bariatric surgeon that came to the area in 2004. Has done almost 700 bypass/lap band surgeries. I couldn’t be any more happy right now.
So the first step is complete. There are a few more steps to take before I get a date set for surgery. Here’s a quick rundown:
- Schedule an appointment with a dietitian, schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, I need five more months of documentation from my family doctor of an attempt at weight loss. Once these are all set, then I call for an initial assessment with the surgeon, and get that date set!
It’s a beautiful day in central Pennsylvania. The sun is shining. It’s windy, but the temperature is perfect. Not too hot. Not too cold. My mind is working overtime. The reality of something I have been dreaming of getting has finally hit me. Today is the first step to a process that could change my life in amazing ways. I’m filled with excitement. But I’m also extremely nervous. The daydreams of the women, walking, bike riding, trip taking, and normal living are all comforting. But the truth is I have a bizarre love/hate relationship with food. Once I go under the knife, that is it buddy. No more late night pizzas, bags of candy, cans of peanuts, bags of potato chips, pecan pie, etc etc. My enjoyment of food will never be the same. It’s quite a bit to process, but that’s why baby steps are taken to get where I’m needed to be.
Dad senses the battle taking place in my brain, and is quiet for the whole ten minute ride to the hospital. Normally he is oblivious to things like that. I thank God today is a rare exception. I’m slightly disappointed I didn’t get to see one of the local crazies though. With the finest this town has to offer, most of the time you at least see one person talking to themselves or something else out of the ordinary when you drive through that part of town. Oh well. Mick Jagger taught me that you can’t always get what you want.
Here we are at the hospital! I’m fairly early, so I decide to chill in the lobby for a few minutes. The truth is I specifically went early to do just this. The hospital brings up many memories every time I’m here. My ex-fiancee’s battle with leukemia. Clinicals for nursing school. Most recently, my father’s triple bypass heart surgery. With my mind already racing like a coke addict, I just wanted a good ten minutes or so to let everything process, and get my mind focused on the task at hand. About fifteen minutes roll by, and I decide it’s time to head up to the meeting room.
From the walk to the elevator, waiting for the elevator, and walk to the meeting room, I am out of breath. God I hate this! I take a few moments outside the door to catch my breath. I also built up a pretty good sweat, so I use my shirt to wipe it off my forehead. I quickly run my fingers through my mop-top. It’s go time folks! There are some real nice people here. Most of the others are older women. There is one other guy who is roughly ten years older than I am. I am the youngest AND fattest person attending this meeting. Awesome. I look at the old style TV and DVD player that are standing in the front of the room. I think to myself how incredibly funny it would be if the doctor used this to show 2 girls 1 cup to the audience instead of his presentation. I laugh out loud. I got a strange look from the woman next to me, and she asked me what was funny. I said, “Ah nothing. Just a little nervous I guess.” She smiles, and that’s when the doctor walks into the room.
I have to do a triple take. I heard that he is a younger surgeon, but I was still shocked to see it in person. At first I think he’s an intern here to assist the doctor, but the name on his overcoat says otherwise. This man is also incredibly good looking. I could hear the lady next to me gasp. I thought about asking her if something was wrong, but I let it go. The thing that stood out the most was how much he looked like Doogie Howser. It’s like the kid’s face stayed the same, but he grew up to be taller. He says hello to everyone, turns his laptop on, and immediately gets down to business.
—————————————————————
“Nurse, I’m about to finish sewing this patient up. Would you please make sure the latest issue of MAD magazine is on my desk in 15 minutes? I’m having a sleepover tonight with my BFF, and I could use a few jokes that will kill.”
—————————————————————-
I already knew most everything that he explained simply from the amount of research I’ve done prior to the meeting. What I need to make sure of though is if I feel this man is the right choice for my surgery. He wraps up the presentation in about 55 minutes, and allows us to ask him questions. I have an intense feeling of relief. This man is everything I’ve been hearing. He’s a very successful bariatric surgeon that came to the area in 2004. Has done almost 700 bypass/lap band surgeries. I couldn’t be any more happy right now.
So the first step is complete. There are a few more steps to take before I get a date set for surgery. Here’s a quick rundown:
- Schedule an appointment with a dietitian, schedule an appointment with a psychiatrist, I need five more months of documentation from my family doctor of an attempt at weight loss. Once these are all set, then I call for an initial assessment with the surgeon, and get that date set!
A Brief Look At How I Got To This Point
There is one simple explanation as to why I am having the gastric bypass surgery at the end of the year. I want to get laid. Yeah, that’s right. This 34 year-old average looking male with a college education has never officially done “the deed.” I’m going to spare you fine folks the intricate details into my problem. Let’s just assume the high probability that you are a perfectly capable adult with an imagination. Use it now if you wish…
Now I know that may sound pretty crazy considering there are many more benefits that losing a life changing amount of weight can provide. Living longer comes to mind. I also think it would be pretty cool to be able to walk more than 100 feet without losing my breath. I really could go on all day. Sure, there are many issues right now that make life seem like nothing more than a list of difficult chores. But the main thing my mind stays focused on is my virginity. I ache both mentally and physically for sex. I crave it just as much as the next person. Not being able to satisfy that craving has left a huge hole in my heart and my psyche. Unfortunately, the way I chose to deal with this issue only contributed more to the problem.
——————————————————————
Take a look at this guy. He has two frickin’ kids! And they want me to believe that there’s a God?
——————————————————————
I’ve always been a big boy. The only pictures I have of me looking normal are of when I was a baby. I must say that a good portion of my life was great. I have the best group of friends anyone can ask for. My family is very supportive. Of course I was always limited in my physical capabilities, but I still lived a productive life. I started working right out of high school. When I was 25, I went to college for nursing. I worked as an RN for 5 years. I’ve even been in two serious relationships, and engaged once! And those girls loved me enough to overlook the sex issue. When I look back, I really can’t figure out why my downward spiral started. I do know that it must have been sometime around 2006.
That was the year I first thought to myself that I have a legitimate problem with my eating habits. Most days I would have a regular breakfast and supper. What I started doing though was about an hour or two after dinner, I would go to various fast food places and eat again. Then after being out for a few hours, I would stop at a convenience store to buy candy bars to sneak into the house. It got to the point where I was doing this almost five times a week. I also remember going to the grocery store and buying all kinds of junk food. It was a big thrill for me to sneak it into the house, and hide it in my room. Any time I was stressed about something (and I frequently was with a sick mother), I would get the most comfort out of hiding junk food, heading for my room, and eating everything I had. This desire to binge in secret has gotten much better since then. I haven’t fully binged in about a year. Sometimes I still find it necessary to get a candy bar or pack of cookies to hide in my pocket. But even that is rare anymore.
So that leads me to right now. April of 2011. I may not know why I got to where I am today, but I at least have a good idea how. I spent a huge amount of time dwelling on my mistakes. Of course that was doing nothing for me. I decided that 2011 was going to be the year that I actually did the hard work needed to make a significant change in my life. Making sure I could keep my overeating in control was the first step. Getting approved for health care was the second step. As I keep posting in this blog, I will talk about various appointments I have with doctors. Also, I feel this is a good forum for me to express all the positive and negative aspects of being a large gentleman going through this process. So prepare yourselves nerdy redheads with glasses and tattoos. I’m gonna be one hormonal, energetic bastard by this time next year.
————————————————————————————————————
This pic makes me want to throw my laptop out the window. I am probably the largest human being in central PA. Yecch!
Now I know that may sound pretty crazy considering there are many more benefits that losing a life changing amount of weight can provide. Living longer comes to mind. I also think it would be pretty cool to be able to walk more than 100 feet without losing my breath. I really could go on all day. Sure, there are many issues right now that make life seem like nothing more than a list of difficult chores. But the main thing my mind stays focused on is my virginity. I ache both mentally and physically for sex. I crave it just as much as the next person. Not being able to satisfy that craving has left a huge hole in my heart and my psyche. Unfortunately, the way I chose to deal with this issue only contributed more to the problem.
——————————————————————
Take a look at this guy. He has two frickin’ kids! And they want me to believe that there’s a God?
——————————————————————
I’ve always been a big boy. The only pictures I have of me looking normal are of when I was a baby. I must say that a good portion of my life was great. I have the best group of friends anyone can ask for. My family is very supportive. Of course I was always limited in my physical capabilities, but I still lived a productive life. I started working right out of high school. When I was 25, I went to college for nursing. I worked as an RN for 5 years. I’ve even been in two serious relationships, and engaged once! And those girls loved me enough to overlook the sex issue. When I look back, I really can’t figure out why my downward spiral started. I do know that it must have been sometime around 2006.
That was the year I first thought to myself that I have a legitimate problem with my eating habits. Most days I would have a regular breakfast and supper. What I started doing though was about an hour or two after dinner, I would go to various fast food places and eat again. Then after being out for a few hours, I would stop at a convenience store to buy candy bars to sneak into the house. It got to the point where I was doing this almost five times a week. I also remember going to the grocery store and buying all kinds of junk food. It was a big thrill for me to sneak it into the house, and hide it in my room. Any time I was stressed about something (and I frequently was with a sick mother), I would get the most comfort out of hiding junk food, heading for my room, and eating everything I had. This desire to binge in secret has gotten much better since then. I haven’t fully binged in about a year. Sometimes I still find it necessary to get a candy bar or pack of cookies to hide in my pocket. But even that is rare anymore.
So that leads me to right now. April of 2011. I may not know why I got to where I am today, but I at least have a good idea how. I spent a huge amount of time dwelling on my mistakes. Of course that was doing nothing for me. I decided that 2011 was going to be the year that I actually did the hard work needed to make a significant change in my life. Making sure I could keep my overeating in control was the first step. Getting approved for health care was the second step. As I keep posting in this blog, I will talk about various appointments I have with doctors. Also, I feel this is a good forum for me to express all the positive and negative aspects of being a large gentleman going through this process. So prepare yourselves nerdy redheads with glasses and tattoos. I’m gonna be one hormonal, energetic bastard by this time next year.
————————————————————————————————————
This pic makes me want to throw my laptop out the window. I am probably the largest human being in central PA. Yecch!
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