Thoughts on Mother's Day

(Hi friends!  I want this entry to come straight from my heart to you.  I'm not worried about structure or grammar today.  Just sharing some thoughts about my mother who passed in July of 2008.)

For the past three days, I've been working on something to write for Mother's Day.  It wasn't really that creative of an idea.  A letter to my mother that I intended to be both loving and sort of a way to say that I have finally gotten over my anger issues with her.  It turned out to be much more deep and personal than I was looking for on this blog.  The relationship with my mother is something I still need to work on dealing with.  It's a story that I definitely want to tell one day.  In a nutshell, mom was a watered-down version of Danny Devito's mother in Throw Mama From the Train.  That may sound like a stretch, but my family and closest friends can tell you there's some truth to that statement.  But like everything else on Earth, there is both good and bad.  I want to share with you some of the things about the woman that made her a fantastic mother.

"Jason. Some kids are gonna say awful things to you.  You need to learn to ignore what they say and laugh with them.  Let them know it doesn't bother you.  Then it won't be fun for them to pick on you anymore.  They'll all eventually see what a great kid you are, and wind up being your friend.  And if not, then fuck 'em.  They aren't worth your time."  I remember getting this little pep talk twice. Once before 7th grade at Roosevelt Junior High in the Altoona Area School District.  The other time was in 8th grade when we moved to Duncansville. I was scared to death about being thrown into a whole new group of kids in back to back years.  Mom was right though.  Kids said some awful shit.  I took it all in stride.  Before you know it, I was making myself the center of attention by doing the truffle shuffle or imitating Weird Al from the Fat video by doing the hilarious crotch grab.  I learned something early in my life.  People like you when you  have the balls to be the first one to crack awful jokes about yourself before the other assholes get a chance. I'm 34, and that still applies to me today.  If I'm in a situation where I'm around new people, I can always tell that my size is almost always the "elephant in the room." (literally!! hahaha. booo.) Once I crack a couple self-depricating jokes to break the ice, people realize that hey, this guy isn't so bad.  Then people eventually get to know me, and I walk away with a new friend or two by the end of the night.  But if they still don't like me, well, just like mom says, fuck 'em.  They aren't worth my time.

Mom had an awesome sense of humor.  I never really took notice until one night she dragged me to some kind of party with her work friends.  Dude, she had people laughing so hard that they were crying!  Of course they were all work related things, and I had no clue why any of it was funny.  It was amazing to see that because it showed me where I got my sense of humor.  Me, my stepdad, and mom were always busting on each other.  Mom would always say, "the day I quit pickin' on ya is the day you know I don't love you anymore."  I think this is how I got to be the way I am now.  I love bustin' on my friends.  It's my way of showing someone that I care about them.  I don't know how mom put up with my dad for as long as she did.  That man wouldn't understand good-natured joking if it busted through the door right now and used his face as a punching bag.  Not just joking around either. I can say something to him that I know other people would find hilarious, but I won't get even a chuckle.  Then he'll be watching Two and a Half men, and sure enough the 587th joke about how Charlie can't keep it in his pants will be muttered, and dad will laugh like he's watching Eddie Murphy's Raw.  Annoys the hell out of me.  I miss mom's sense of humor.  I also miss her saying to be careful not to fall in the shower because she doesn't feel like calling a crane company today. haha. I miss her.

Mom also was a big help when it came to girls (despite none of them EVER being good enough for me. Ugh.)  I remember all the times telling her I couldn't get a girl to ever like me.  How so many of them wanted to be my friend, but nothing more.  She'd always say, "Jason, they think they know what they want now, but they don't.  Some day there's going to be a girl who sees you for who you are."  Of course I thought it was just her saying that, but she was right.  I've been lucky to have a few girls in my life who really cared for me, and loved me for who I am.  I'd be shopping with mom, and she would say, "Jason, I think she would really like this.  You should get it for her."  She taught me that they like the occasional gift for no reason at all, and a card out of the blue.  "Remembering the small details," mom always said, "are really important to make a girl happy.  She would say, "I hate that tough guy shit.  don't be afraid to be yourself, or to show your emotions.  A real man is one who is always able to express himself no matter how good or bad."  I took all this advice kinda loosely at that age, but the older I get, the more I realize how right she was.  But one thing she didn't prepare me for was how some girls find guys that are sweet and nice to be absolutely boring. I'm still in the process of learning when to turn the sweet guy stuff off from time to time.  I guess some things even your mother can't teach you.

So those are a couple of my favorite things about mom.  She was a damn good woman.  She would give you anything if you needed it.  She loved me more than anyone else in this world ever will.  She also had a rough life, and deep seeded anger that she needed help with.  She took a lot of this out on me.  I am finally learning to forgive her for some of those things.  But she also helped make me the man I am today.  For that, I'll never be able to fully express in words how much it means to me.  Mom, I love you and I really miss you right now.  May you finally have the peace you so greatly deserve.