Let's Go Shopping

    Technology has come a long way since the days I was a teenager. I've made a handful of good friends that I would never have met otherwise. It's quite amazing. Thanks to social networking, I noticed in the past few years that it doesn't seem to matter what part of the country you're from.  Chances are you hate having to go to Wal-Mart.  I had a few bucks today, so off to Wally World I went.  Everything went as it usually does. What I want to share is how I noticed how much my outlook has changed in the past few months.  Now sit back my friend and come along on a trip to retail paradise.......

    It must be a good day considering I survived the parking lot and found a space that didn't feel miles away.  Honestly, it doesn't matter how close we park anymore.  I still have to stop and sit on the bench for a few minutes just to catch my breath.  I despise having to take a break so soon, but it does have its perks.  There are some damn hot women walking in the store today!  And we all know that higher temperatures equal less clothing.  It doesn't take too long to catch my breath. Besides, I'm just heading to the salon right inside the door.  I'm in the process of letting my hair grow longer for the first time in years. It's been about nine months since I last got a haircut.  It needs a little trimming and shaping. I don't want to be in mullet mode any more.

    The gal who cut my hair is a total sweetie. I knew her from Myspace back in the day when it wasn't an online ghost town.  I looked in the mirror and loved it. I feel really good right now!  I pay the fine lady, and head off to the bench at the pharmacy.  This is where I chill for a second, get an idea of what I need, and plan how to go about getting it.  I have a little more than thirty bucks, so no Xbox game or book today.  I walk over to get Axe deodorant and mousse for my sexy new hairdo.  I decide to sit back down on the bench because my next move is to go to the grocery section on the other end of the store.  This is when the inevitable happens. 

    The kid couldn't be any older than four or five.  She's walking along side a shopping cart being pushed by a nice looking woman my age.  The little girl gives me a horrified look and announces very loudly, "Mommy! That guy is really fat!"  This is about the hundredth kid to declare a presence of fatness to their instantly awkward looking parents.  I was able to shoot the woman a quick "Yeah it's me. the fat bastard here to amuse you" look before she quickly shushed the brat and walked away.  That shit really pisses me off. I understand children are innocent.  Still sucks though.  But I decide to let it go today.  After all, I still have my amazing head of hair going for me.

    I walk over to the grocery side and buy a few things that the dietitian recommended; peanut butter, crackers, Cheerios, bananas, celery, apples, pistachios (instead of greasy peanuts), popcorn, and some yogurt.  I'd get a few more things, but I don't have much money to work with.  Besides, sweat is pouring off of my face.  I'm starting to lose my breath again.  My legs ache; time to sit down again.  They took the bench away from the back of the store, so I have to go to the shoe section to sit down.  I take my glasses off and use my shirt to wipe the sweat away. My glasses also have sweat all over them, so I wipe them off as well.  I catch my breath and suddenly realize that from the small amount of walking and dieting I've done in the past couple months, my recovery time is much better.  I smile and think what the hell, I'm going to walk back across the store and circle back to the pharmacy.  I have to do more walking if I want to build my stamina back up.

    After the walk, I plop down on the pharmacy bench gasping for air. My once sexy hair, face, and the top of my shirt are all soaked.  God I hate myself for letting this go too long!  I should just be fucking dead.  I get a strong craving for a cigarette.  Five minutes go by, and I'm at least presentable.  Who really cares at this point anyway?  The most desperate woman on the planet would rather go nun than have a shag with this drenched, walking mountain of a man.  I tell myself to calm down.  It's almost over.  A couple minutes later I'm about to head to the register.  That's when I saw the group of teenagers in the corner of my eye.

    The giggling is what initially caught my attention.  I look over at them without making it too obvious.  One of the bastards has his phone out and is obviously not trying to be discreet about snapping a pic of the comedy gold in front of him.  Fantastic, I am once again the joke used for someone's Twitter/Facebook/Text message.  This doesn't happen as often as the annoying kids, but why now?  They get done doing what they are doing.  That's when I gave the kid with the phone a nasty look.  I muttered the words "Fuck you asshole" loud enough that only myself and his friends heard it.  They all looked down, and walked away quickly. I take a long sigh and think I've got to get the hell out of here now. 

    The lines for the registers aren't so bad today.  Nothing kills my legs more than just standing.  There's only one person in front of me, so it shouldn't be too bad.  Yay.  The cashier is a sweetheart. We talked for a couple minutes about nursing.  The woman in line in front of me worked with me at the hospital, and she overheard our conversation.  I pay for my things, take my bags, and give the girl a nice smile. She smiled back and gave me a quick wink.  Nice!  It seems like every time I shave my beard off and get a haircut, this happens to me more often. Feeling much better, I head to the benches where the carts are.  I sit for a while to prepare for the walk back to the car.

    One of my faults/blessings in life is the ability to go into deep thought just about any time.  I've come up with tons of good ideas in the strangest places, but I also tend to get distracted easily during important situations.  Adderall is helping with that.  Today I allow myself to drift a little bit on the bench.  I keep thinking about how great it feels to actually notice progress.  Physically I have a long way to go.  But wanting to walk more and being able to recover quicker is nice.  What really got my attention though was how I'm handling the day mentally.  Friends, the things I talked about today don't happen every single time I'm out in public. But they do happen often.  Any time in the past few years prior to march of this year I would have focused purely on the negative aspects.  It got to the point where I hated kids with a passion.  I just recently started feeling comfortable in front of my best friend's kids.  The camera phone incidents are a love/hate thing with me. On one end I can't stand the sneaky giggling dickheads.  Then there is also a part of me that loves to make people laugh.  And if that's what it takes sometimes to get a laugh, then so be it.  Just don't expect me to be nice to you.

    The main thing about all this is how I'm handling the way I've treated myself for years.  A day like today would have ruined me for a little bit.  I would have walked out the door pissed off with every intention of walking into the apartment, heading straight for my room and eating every single thing left in the house including the new purchased food.  Afterwards I would feel so horrible about what happened and what I've done.  I would go to bed early, and make plans to not do anything for a couple weeks. 

    Today though I start to think that for so long I played a victim of the human race.  The more I think about things, I've only been hurting myself by allowing others to hurt me.  Not only do I need to learn how to forgive and forget; I also have to quit being negative towards myself.  I used to tell myself all the time that I'm better off dead.  I totally despised myself for getting in the rut I was in.  The only person I can blame for allowing that to happen is me.  I smile wide and feel confident that I'm starting to think more positive about life.

    Quickly I look around to see if anyone is in the area.  I let out a nice long relief of gas.  Silently I curse my colon for its awful timing.  Where were you when that kid was spouting her mouth?!?  I would love to have farted right in front of her and her mother.  This makes me laugh, and I get up to start walking to the car.

Edited by Dave Warren